Let go
by si13ntm0n5t3r
Summary: This is a one shot about how Ashely Seaver really feels and how broken she had always been.


**A/N: English is not my mother tongue so I apologize for any grammar and spelling mistakes.**

 **I don't own Criminal Minds.**

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 _I'm okay. I'm fine._ She had said these words countless of times. But how many times did she really mean it? A part of her had been broken years ago before she had even lost her father. She can't be healed. There's an empty feeling that she can't get rid of. It's always there in a dark corner of her heart where she locked all her bad memories and feelings away.

But live goes on and she lets the days pass like every page in a book. She doesn't see any particular reason on living except for the job she has to do. She had made up her mind years ago and came to the conclusion that somehow she has to pay for the sins her father had committed.

It's not her fault. She knows. But maybe that empty feeling will go away and she doesn't know another way. She can't let the team know that she is weak. She can't let anyone know what goes on in her mind.

Ashley told herself over and over again that she was okay. Even when she got stabbed in the shoulder. The blood was literally pouring out and it hurt like hell but she was fine otherwise. She'd been worse. Ashely went on like nothing happened and no one noticed at first because it was dark and Ashley was wearing a black blazer. It took a while but eventually she started to see many black dots. Rossi was the first one to notice as Ashley stumbled.

"Are you okay?" he asked and glanced at her with those worried eyes.

"I'm fine." Ashely lied with ease. How many times did she had to lie?

"You sure? You look pale. You know you don't have to act tough all the times." Rossi said with a soothing voice. He then put his right hand on her left shoulder. Ashely winced and Rossi surprised about her blazer being wet looked down at his hand. He immediately realized that it was blood.

"Ashley, you are hurt. What happened?" Rossi said while searching for his handkerchief.

"I'm fine. It's nothing. Really." Ashley said trying to brush him off.

"I'm fine my ass!" Rossi said almost shouted. He was angry at her for not telling anybody. She can't possibly be fine. Rossi looked at the wound that was inflicted by the knife the predator had used. Rossi knew how stab wounds felt like. He'd been stabbed a few times in his life and he knew it freaking hurt. And untreated it hurt even more. So he made sure to press down on the wound. He assumed that Ashley's pale face was a result of the blood she had lost and the amount she was loosing at the moment.

"Wait a sec. I'm gonna call the ambulance. You're gonna be fine." Rossi said.

Ashley was sitting on the side walk now. "I will never be fine again." She looked at the ground.

"I never was."

Rossi looked at her confused. "What are you talking about?" Maybe the blood loss was getting to her. "We'll bring you to the hospital, patch you up and everything will be okay."

"No. I didn't mean my wound. I was talking about myself. You know even before you had arrested my father I felt kind of empty. Like some part of me had died a long time ago."

Rossi looked into her eyes and it disturbed him that they looked kind of blank.

"You know, this job I'm doing right now…. I like my job but I can't help but think that I have to this because of my father. That I have a to make up for the horrible things he did. And I can feel it consuming my life because I don't have anything better to do. It's the thing that keeps me alive even if I'm dead inside. Rossi I am broken and nothing's gonna me whole."

Rossi was kneeling in front of Ashley and grabbed both her shoulders. "That's not true. Ashely you have gone through something terrible watching your fathers do horrible things. And you built up walls to protect yourself. After everything you have seen it's understandable that you feel this way. You have to know that everything your father did was not your fault and you have never really processed that. You have to let go Ashely. You can't let it get to you because you couldn't do anything. You were just a kid. And it is not a weakness. It'll only make you stronger. You are not dead iside Ashely because you are feeling something. I can see it in your eyes."

Rossi ended his speech and wiped a tear away that had escaped Ashley's eye.

By then the EMTs had arrived and treated Ashely's wound. The ride to the hospital was silent. Rossi knew she probably needed some time to think about what he said but he could see that mentally she was definitely healing. Even it was just a bit. It was a start.

 **One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.**

 **\- Sherry Jones**

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 **I hope you liked this one shot. Please, please review. I am desperate. Write down your opinion even if you find my** **fic bad. REVIEW (*.*)**


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